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Transformers! Transformers! Transformers! Now Megan Fox Free!

YES my friends, oh yes. Anyone who shares my condition as a nerdy man-child is probably just as excited and fearful as I. Look back over the last six years and one thing is evident: we Transformer fans have had a mixed bag of wins and losses. To clarify, I was born in 1986, the year the first Transformers film hit the screens. Nerd destiny. Coming in a little late to the game may have mean to some that I missed the glory days, but I disagree. Being born directly after the hype, I reaped the benefits in my young years of garage sales, hand-me down robot extravaganzas and thrift-store VHS treasure troves. So many kids outgrew their transformers just in time for me to collect my own private armies of Autobots, Decepticons, Dinobots, Insecticons and Constructicons. I do not mean those lame ass ball-jointed and easily broken excuses for toys. I had the real old-school metal and tough plastic hard-as-hell-to-transform-dangerous-little-trachea-sized-pieces-included era. They traded up for Ace of Base and girls while I scavenged the realness. My first cat was named Hotrod. When I was ten my moms made me a Transformers costume that, oh yes Transformed. I love you mom.

Then I grew up, kind of. When I hit college I had to make my own Transformers costume, no big deal. It did not transform but it was easy to hide beers in. Two years later, Michael Bay did something that did not suck, I know! The first Transformers flick was awesome. All the campy and predictable elements were there and we got to see the classic stock of robots all tricked out in face melting CG. The second one came out and Bay was right back to his old tricks, it sucked. once again Mr. Bay exchanged actual film direction and an interesting story for-you guessed it: special effects. Also, Megan Fox cannot act but it is basically the same shortcoming. You know you still went to see it in theaters. No one is above giant robots from space because that kind of thing is just too cool to miss (especially when one is old enough to imbibe or inhale before the show.)

So here we sit upon the cusp of an all-new Cybertronian adventure minus the Fox, add another Cohen brothers alum and keep most of the good parts from the first one intact, not counting Duhamel. It would also appear that Bay has done what he should have from the first, keep the plot to a minimum and just make with the giant shiny robot massacre. Smash, boom, do not try to make a meaningful movie out of a children’s show. Peace.

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